Thank You, Next App: Bumble

It was after my final Tinder experience that my best friend offered some unsolicited advice, “I think you’re over Tinder, and you’re ready for Bumble.”

Apparently Bumble is a place where the men have jobs and actual college degrees. I know, *swoon*, imagine if they used, "their, there, they're" correctly? So I switched lanes and ended up on Bumble. An app known for women’s ability to be in charge, so no need to worry about unsolicited dick picks this round, thought I. ☝️

To say it was better would be the understatement of the year. I immediately had five guys in the hopper that I actually wanted to meet. Well at least three.

Okay, one! Stop judging me!

So I met up with Robin. Robin was cute, brown hair and eyes, got my jokes, and said funny things like, “Society is crumbling!”

There were a couple red flags that I was willing to overlook, like when I beat him in *his* challenge that meant he had to buy the first drink, and then he tried to argue that he shouldn’t have to. Or when he said that he got married in Africa but it wasn’t a legal wedding, or when he was an hour late meeting up, or when he said “I’ll be the one with long hair,” or when I made a joke about him doing something I can't remember and he said seriously, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

But we overlooked those because he seemed relatively sane and I was bored. I mean, you read my last experiences.

Turns out, his hair was barely shoulder length, so it wasn’t too bad, but like a caveman he didn’t have a smart phone and wasn’t aware that UberEats existed. Among other things.

I don’t remember what he did for work as our date was short. We had two drinks and walked back to my place. We ended up making out* and watching a movie. No clue what the movie was, I was too busy being 16 years old.

We went to get some fried food afterwards and learned we had absolutely nothing in common. He got an Uber home and said, “Thanks.” That is absolutely the end of that story. And definitely not a lie.**

I still found the, "Thanks," to be off putting.

We never spoke again.

The next day, I matched with Alan. Alan was in the Army. He was getting a physical in the city, even though he lived in Oakland (maybe he still does?), and seemed quite amused and interested in the fact that I was incapable of putting an Ikea desk together. To be fair, the directions themselves SAY it requires two people. It probably said “Build with a friend” or some other condescending bullshit. Which was infuriating because I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no man! (And because my brother and my roommate were out of town.)

So after chatting for a while and him showing me a video of him starring in a movie in Japan (Laaaaawd I wished I’d saved the link...), I told him that if he wanted to come over and build the desk that I’d give him 50 cents and a shot of whiskey.

Ya’ll SUCCESS! He came over an hour later and helped me put together my room. We drank whiskey and made out, then went out for some food.

He left after to pick up a couch, and later that night I text him that I had fun and he said, “I did too Lisa.” (Which is absolutely not my name.)

So I said, “Yep, thanks Peter.”

His response, "That's what all the ladies call me."

Which... Wow. I deleted and blocked him.

For two dates in one weekend it wasn’t bad. I mean, they could've been better, but I'd already experienced worse, so the bar was uncomfortably low. I sat very happily in my newly rearranged bedroom watching movies and wondering where my next experiences would take me, I had two new matches by then.

All my love,
L.B.

*This is the child friendly version. Hi Mom! 👋

** It’s definitely a lie.