Taking a Breath

You know when you burn out? Like a star, you run out of gas and just sort of float through your life? Excitement is gone, life is dull, the house is a mess and bills are piling up?

That was a lot of September for me. Never have I agreed so much with the song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

This sort of problem is not hard to fix, but mustering the energy can get a little rough.

Watching the sunset.
Opening a book.
Taking a walk.

Basically anything that isn't a computer can reboot your thoughts, but the best fix is nature.

Sometimes a beautiful picture as the background on your monitor can do the trick. Ever since I moved to foggy San Francisco I've had a soft spot for sunflowers. For if I can't SEE the sun, at the very least I need to have something bright and cheerful around me:

"Don't sunflowers follow the sun? Hence their name? This must be a sunrise...

I have so many questions."

Other times a picture just won't cut it.

Being surrounded by tall buildings and gloomy skies, with the added strain of a disgusting home, can seriously drain a person. Especially when the moon is covered by fog and there is a super blood moon in the sky that everyone in the United States can see - Except you.

So, I spent my weekend deep cleaning the dusty shack I call home until the tile gleamed like the Treehouse it really is!

Pictured: Not My Apartment

I don't like cleaning. But I am working very hard to fix this block in my brain. Yesterday was one of the very few days I got into it. I bought these sweet sponge cloth things that are like... Super paper towels. Usually I clean with paper towels, which become filthy and disintegrate, but these things were so cool! Anyway, this isn't a plug so moving on.

My house is shiny and clean. YAY!

Then the Irishman mentioned the beach and off we were to the sandy dunes and icy water.

So what's next?

Ah, yes. So my phone is old, and when I went to update to IOS9, the entire thing went kaput. It became a useless white blank screen with the somewhat mocking, "Slide to Unlock" frozen on it. It was a flashlight, which meant I was offline.

DEAR GOD HOW DO I MANAGE?! No interwebs? No tweets? No repetitive FB posts that we all saw three years ago that your Aunt Delilah saw for the first time and found HYSTERICAL?

"Get it??! The cat is GRUMPY!"



It was strange. I felt both anxiety and peace. I got *really* into The Day After Tomorrow that was playing on TV. Normally if I'm watching TV at all, I'll watch part of it, turn on my phone, get distracted, miss a lot of the movie, wish there was something more interesting and less expensive to do, etc.

But no phone meant no distractions. This is the third time I've seen that movie and I think this time I was the most involved with the characters. I was horrified when we learned she had the leg injury. It was honestly like I was watching it for the first time.

As it turns out, while losing all of my contacts, all my cat photos, super important selfies, and notes on my phone, was terrible -- I felt relief. I didn't have to keep track of them anymore. Sort of like organizing your closet by throwing everything away. Even though you still think of stuff you miss, it's a bit of a relief. You don't have all of the baggage weighing down on you.

While in this frozen internet state, I had a chance to really think. I kept auto-grabbing my flashlight phone, even when I was watching something I liked. A habit I had created that was rather toxic.

Without it, I was looking at the sunset. I was interacting with the Irishman. I felt myself truly living instead of becoming part-human/ part-Twitter. The twitter/internet side of me was emaciated and barely living. An addicted machine that needed the next quick fix of entertainment.

Anyway, I felt like I was burning out. When I read over my last few blog posts it became quite clear I was definitely burning out. I needed a break.

With a break from the internet; A break from constantly updating with nothing interesting to update, I was able to remember what was truly important. I started to appreciate parts of my life I had been ignoring. Small things. Like the satisfaction of a housework. Finding the grimiest part of the bathroom and going to town (It's behind the toilet. It's a terrible, terrifying place, but you don't know happiness until you know that part of the bathroom is clean).

The feeling of boredom. What your brain does with boredom is amazing. I was bored, so I cleaned, and I made dinner, and all the while I sang a poor man's version of Phantom of the Opera.

Is there anything better than the sound onions make when they hit hot oil? The smell as they soften? It fills the entire house and tells you and your loved one's you'll be eating a home cooked meal soon.

I appreciated the lack of stimulation, because then the stimulation and entertainment came from ME. Not my surroundings; not faceless internet jokes. I realized how cool it was, and remembered funny and entertaining I am, so I treated myself to the fancy new Toasted Graham latte because I love Graham crackers and I'm pretty sure they created it just for me.

I think I ran too far out into the internet. I got swept up into constant, addictive stimulation. When in reality, being bored is probably the greatest thing you can do for your creative brain. The things your brain will come up with when you're bored will SHOCK you.

I'm working on a 3-Part short story now that crept out of the lack of stimulation. It's a creepy one, and I'm really excited about it. It's untitled at this point and I can't force a title. A title comes like a lightning bolt. So without the title I can't tell you anything else about it. Just that it's good. So stay tuned for Part One in a few days while I flesh it out.

And go outside today.

Boring nature is calling you. Go be bored in it.

Or if you can't, stare at this nature simulator.

All my love,
L.B.