The Most Boring Man Alive

The names in these stories are false and the story itself is a random smattering of stories and I, L.B. Scott, cannot confirm or deny if any of it is fact or fiction. But fiction or non-fiction, the story is entertaining and wanted to be told, albeit some or all points may be exaggerated for the purpose of art.

I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. Usually I'm flying by the seat of my pants and making mistake after mistake, and then laughing about it later in great detail while I try to figure out how to fix it. It got a little out of hand when I ended up in a nine year long relationship and had to figure out how to untangle myself. But I did figure it out, and after a few months I found myself bored, with all my friends busy, and I made the decision to test out the dating world. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I was bored and curious. I wanted to see what dating looked like post 2009. And so I signed up for Tinder, my very first dating app.

Technically speaking, signing up for Tinder was not my first mistake. My first mistake was deciding to rebound with a friend and ruining that friendship spectacularly. But I feel that is one story that I will not be sharing as that friendship is on the mend, and I don't want him to read about himself. I do have a heart sometimes, people. Although the following stories may try to prove otherwise.

Mistake #1: Tinder is Terrifying.

To be clear it was a solid four months before I moved on to the shark-infested waters called Tinder.

Tinder, for me, was everything I was not looking for in a dating app. Which is something I did not realize at the time of signing up. It is a scary place filled with unrequested dick pics, overt sexual advances, and not a single sign of banter to be found. It's the place you go to have someone tell you in great and horrifying detail what they'd like to do to you, and I promise you, it is as unpleasant as it sounds. Unless you're into that kind of thing, which clearly people are as the app hasn't shut down yet.

The first few matches were fine, I got a couple "Hey's" and a few "What's up, beautiful?"

Which honestly, I know it's hard to come up with something to say, but it's not like I didn't have a bio.

I like the weird ones. I always have. And I'm not looking for a gorgeous moron, I've been there and done that. I'm a sapiosexual, and I need someone who can keep up with me. It only took me 30 years to make that revelation and now I can't see past it. It doesn't matter how cute you are if I make a joke and you can't figure out what I mean and ask me to explain it. Where's the joy in that for me? Relationships are reciprocal, I'm not a dancing monkey and I'm not going to carry the conversation for you.

So there I was. Hunting through hundreds of men, some without bio's, some without faces and only pectoral muscles to gage their presence, (which I deemed scary), some with dark eye makeup, when I came across Blain. Blain was attractive enough. He was blonde and blue eyed, which I normally don't like since it mocks my own genetics, but he was a lighting designer for events at a common hotel chain and seemed nice. We started chatting and I asked him about his most recent event.

"Well, it was an event on finance and real estate and I learned that the children are our future and rent is just going to keep going up. So now is the time to buy real estate in San Francisco...."

It was about four paragraphs of this from The Most Boring Man Alive. I wish I had saved the entire conversation so I could share verbatim. I was hoping he'd tell me about how the speaker tripped and broke his leg, or a light fell and nearly injured someone. How someone burnt their tongue on the coffee and ended up cursing at an inopportune time. I realize these are all basically people getting injured in slapstick comedy style, but I was hoping for *something* more interesting than him just telling me what the speakers said at the event.

I told him it sounded boring as shit and closed the conversation. Maybe that's rude, but that's the world of Tinder. I think. I'm new to it. But could you imagine being stuck with that guy for an hour? He'd probably be able talk for an hour about why the sky is blue. Or what he bought at the grocery store last weekend in list form. Or a duck he saw that day.

Going on the date with him probably would've made for an interesting story for you all, but I couldn't submit myself to that. I laughed for twenty minutes after I abandoned the conversation. I still giggle about it now when I think of it.

Some people live off of their good looks, and Boring Man was one of them. Godspeed sir, I hope you find a beautiful and boring lady in your near future to woo with tales of the last duck you saw.

Maybe he already has.

All my love,
L.B.